


The End Of The Sunrise

by CeliPuff, I_Am_The_Blue_Sunshine



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Castiel/Dean Winchester One Shot, Character Death, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Everything is Beautiful and Everything Hurts, Grief/Mourning, Grieving Dean Winchester, Heartbroken Dean Winchester, Heavy Angst, Loss, Love Letters, M/M, Married Castiel/Dean Winchester, Oops, goodbye letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:27:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27398731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CeliPuff/pseuds/CeliPuff, https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Am_The_Blue_Sunshine/pseuds/I_Am_The_Blue_Sunshine
Summary: Each sunrise ends with the promise of another tomorrow. For Dean, the sunrise is an anchor he clings to, desperate to survive the loss of his beloved Castiel.Or // the one where the late Castiel leaves behind a love letter for Dean to read after he’s gone.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 36
Kudos: 68
Collections: The Destiel Fan Survey Favs Collection





	The End Of The Sunrise

**Author's Note:**

> A NOTE FROM BLUE
> 
> It’s not exactly a secret that I’m not healthy and that I’m probably not going to live as long as I would like. So, this is my love letter to all the people who will be caught in the shrapnel of my explosion.
> 
> I want to thank my CeliPuff for not only co-authoring this, but for being my rock while I explored a lot of uncomfortable feelings. I genuinely do not know what I would do without you. And of course, thank you to my beautiful soulmate, my FantasticalAsexual. Thank you DarknessBound. And thank you Ketch22. The support from the three of you keeps our heads above water a lot more than you know, and we love you all 💙
> 
> A NOTE FROM CELIPUFF
> 
> I know I said I probably wouldn’t post something with MCD and heavy angst again but this had to be done. Blue is such an amazing human being and when she asked for my help with this I was completely honored. We cried together the entire time we wrote this and it is something we need to release in the world. We tapped into deep feelings of mourning here, not only with those we’ve lost in our pasts but those we will lose in the future and if we lose our sweet Castiel in the show this last season, well... this is how we will feel. Sorry for any tears.

__

_  
“When the sun has set, no candle can replace it.”_

_\- George R.R. Martin_

Castiel stares down at his blank paper, wishing with everything in him that he didn’t have to do this. _He deserves this,_ he thinks to himself. _It’s the only way I can help him move on._ Even as the thoughts cross his mind, he knows Dean will struggle. No letter will help fill the hole his heart is bound to have once Castiel is gone. Tears spill down his cheeks, because _that_ is the hardest part for him. It isn’t dying — it isn’t even the pain he feels every moment of every day; it’s who he has to leave behind. 

There are times he stares at Dean and he still can’t believe he is his. Their world is billions of years old and has billions of people, yet he was lucky enough to be born during the time Dean Winchester was alive. Even more than that, Dean chose him. Of all the people in all the years, he chose Castiel to spend his life with. The word ‘luck’ doesn’t seem to do it justice — no word could. The life they’ve lived has been a good one. Yes, over the years they have had their share of pain, it wasn’t perfect — even if his brain has already begun to convince him that it was. He doesn’t argue with his brain anymore; he knows the good things are what he needs to hang onto, they are what keep him going. Especially when Dean can’t be right there to hold his hand. 

But truth be told, time is running out. Cas hates admitting it, and everytime the realization slaps him in the face he wants to scream. It feels like he’s giving up. But it isn’t, his will to live isn’t stronger than science and facts, no matter how much he wishes it was. He wishes holding Dean’s hand could keep him on this Earth until the end of time, but his body has other plans. His body is exhausted and there are times when the simple gesture of holding Dean’s hand is draining. 

Cas is only in his thirties. He was supposed to have so many more years. He was supposed to watch Dean’s hair turn gray and count every single new freckle that appeared on his gorgeous skin after a long day out in the sun. He was supposed to live. 

_Okay… crying isn’t helping. Dean will be home soon, and I’ve put this letter off longer than I should have. I don’t want to type it, but soon I won’t even be able to hold this stupid pencil… and he deserves this in my own words, in my own handwriting._

He goes to blow his nose and wash his face, focusing on the things Dean will need to be reminded of when he’s gone. Not the small things. Not a reminder to eat his vegetables or a reminder of where his only nice tie is — but a reminder to smile. A reminder to occasionally watch the sunrise like they used to together, and to remember that during those few moments of every single day, there is no bad or good. There just… is. With his mind back on track, Cas once again picked up his pencil and began to write.

**********

“Dean?” Charlie walks over, pity etched into every feature. 

Normally, the look would make Dean’s stomach turn but not today. Today, that seems like such a trivial thing to be upset about, he can’t find it in himself to care. He motions to the chair next to him, staring out over their balcony as the sun rises. “I buried the love of my life yesterday, Charlie. What do I even do next.” It isn’t a question. No one could answer such a question if it was, but he feels _so_ lost he can’t even focus on anything but sorrow. 

She doesn’t speak for a while, and it’s probably for the best. Even when they share some silent tears and she grips his hand, she doesn’t push him to speak. He’s thankful. 

When she gets up to leave, she pulls out an envelope, handing it over to Dean. “He gave me this. He asked me to give it to you when I felt it was right, but I can’t hold onto it anymore. It belongs to you.” 

Dean’s heart pounds in his chest and the pain of his heart breaking again is overwhelming the second he sees Castiel’s handwriting. “Dammit, Cas.” He clutches the envelope to his chest as heavy tears fall down his face. The sob he releases sounds so far away he doesn’t even realize it came from him. After Charlie hugs him she goes inside, leaving him to walk this road alone. 

He isn’t alone… not really. He can feel Cas all around him and he has his words — in his own writing — against his chest. It takes a while for him to open the letter and he does it so, so tentatively that it takes longer than it should have, but it feels like a bomb that would blow if he was too rough. 

When he unfolds the letter, a smaller one falls out onto his lap and he picks it up; _Read the larger one first, sweetheart._ He feels the pet name like a stab in the gut but it’s a pain he would live in forever if it meant he was close to Cas. He begins to unfold the smaller letter out of curiosity but after opening one side he sees more writing; _I mean it, Dean. This one is second._ Dean chuckles a sob and sets the smaller one aside, doing as he’s told, but when he opens the larger letter, tears pool his eyes so badly he can’t make out the words. It takes a few moments to wipe them away and focus on Cas’ gorgeous handwriting; 

_To my Dean,_

_I know every inch of your body, and you know every inch of mine. I know with that knowledge you will always be able to feel me and you probably won’t even have to try. So feel me now. Feel me as I wrap my arms around you and bring your face to my chest. Feel my warmth as I hold you close and surround you with this amazing love we have shared for so long. Feel us. Breathtaking, aren’t we?_

_We always have been. Even on the bad days, it was always there. There could be a thousand versions of my life, a thousand choices, and I would choose the one where I met you every single time. You turned my life into a life rather than an existence. You made me want to become the best version of myself. I am who I am because I love you._

_It would be so easy to go on about all the things I love about you, all the things I want to take with me... but you already know them, so instead, we are going to just spend some time together._

_We are going to sit in the moments before dawn and take in the last of the darkness as another night ends. We are going to watch as the sky slowly loses its stars and changes to the hues of those ridiculous cocktails you secretly love so much. We are going to hear as the morning creeps in and the world comes to life around us._

_There’s something about the serenity a new day brings that awakens an aching sadness in me. It’s probably not a standard reaction, but since when did I ever do or feel anything the way other people do? I want to take this sadness with me. As my gift to you, I want it gone. For every sunrise for the rest of your life, I’m going to claim it so you don’t have to feel it. For one part of each day, you get a break from the hurt you carry with you. There may be times when grief and heartache might start feeling like they’re going to pull you under, like you’re drowning... But right now, I’m going to hold you close and shoulder that pain for you so you can just enjoy the sunlight as it spreads across the Earth._

_One day this won’t hurt so much, Dean. One day you will read this at sunrise, and instead of making your heart ache, it will bring you a sense of calm and you will smile. You’ll close your eyes and feel the wind lightly blow through your hair and the screaming inside your mind will fall to a whisper. And maybe in that one moment, for that one day, your soul will quiet again._

_Let’s get back to that sunrise, sweetheart… It’s always magnificent, isn’t it? It doesn’t matter if it’s raining or snowing or if the air is still thick with the heat from the day before, it just is. The light just hits differently._

_Your eyes always look so beautiful in this light. Honestly, at times it surprises me that someone with that much beauty can even exist. The fact that it’s most apparent at such an intimate part of the day has always made me even more appreciative, both of the beauty and of the fact that I’m the one who was allowed to witness it. I’m going to admire that glint in your eyes and the shine in your hair for as long as there is light in the universe to create them. But I will love you even longer._

_And to think there was a time in my life where I didn’t believe in love..._

_Go on, my love. Go face the day. I’ll be right here waiting for you if you need me tomorrow._

_All my love,_

_Cas_

Dean takes some time to cry before opening the smaller letter. He doesn’t know how long. The sun has completely risen, but he doesn’t feel like he’s in a rush. The realization that the smaller letter is the last time Cas will communicate with him hurts — almost too much for him to carry on — but he wipes his eyes and unfolds the letter with trembling fingers. He can’t help but chuckle again and think about how even in death Cas is bossing him around, but he has no complaints. He would give anything to hear Cas’ voice again, even if he was just yelling about the plants. When he is able to focus on the words in front of him, he can’t help but laugh out loud. 

The fact that Cas separated these two letters is so… _Cas_ that Dean feels him all around him again;

_And ffs, Sweetheart, drink something besides whiskey. Make sure you are actually eating even if you have to order take out every day for three months. Water the damn plants or give them to Charlie to look after. And, Dean? If you even mention porn at my funeral, I will haunt you. And not in a good way._

_Well, here we are, Dean. You and me on the last page._

_The thing you have to remember is that living your life isn’t forgetting me. I’ll always be right here._

Dean wipes away rogue tears again and sniffles. Not surprised when the Doctor Who reference feels like a punch to the gut. _Course he would quote the nerdiest show in his goodbye letter._ “God, I miss you, Cas.” He clutches the letters to his chest again, yearning for one of Cas’ hugs. _Just one more… please, God. Please._

As always, his prayer goes unanswered and eventually he stands up and makes his way inside. 

**********

Charlie stays at their house for weeks, and most days, Dean is thankful. There are those days he just wants to be alone, but she seems to get the message and gives him the space he needs whenever he needs it. Sometimes, Dean just wants to cry. Not shed a few tears and talk about how he misses Cas. He wants to _cry._ Those cries you feel deep in your bones and you have no idea when you will stop, or if you _can_ stop. 

She always stays inside for the sunrise. He never let her read that letter. He couldn’t let anyone read it, but he didn’t have to. Charlie just somehow… knew. She knew those few moments each morning — along with that letter — were for Dean and Cas, and she never once tried to insert herself into those. Dean would never be able to thank her enough. 

One morning, Dean wakes up at noon. 

He jumps out of bed, darting to see the sunrise he knows has passed. When he sees the bright sun already shining, he falls to his knees, sobbing as if he lost Cas all over again. And it feels like he did. Those sunrises are one of the few things he will always have of Cas, but not today. Today, he has to spend the rest of the day without that tiny piece of comfort Cas gives him each and every day, that comfort that is the only reason he gets out of bed anymore. 

“Dean?!” Charlie runs out from her room, instantly dropping to the floor in front of him. Charlie never judged him for breaking down, but he rarely lost this much control. 

“Charlie… I missed it. I missed him.” His hands wrap around himself and he rocks back and forth, tears leaking from his swollen eyes. “Why is he gone… why him? He deserved to live… more than anyone. I can’t do this without him, Charlie. I can’t… I can’t.”

She pulls him in and hushes him, running her hands through his hair. They’re too soft, they aren’t Cas’, but Dean takes the comfort all the same. 

“I’m so… sorry, Dean.” He can hardly hear her reminding him over and over that there are so many sunrises to come, and promising to stay up with him all night so he doesn’t miss tomorrow’s sunrise. “You’ll see him tomorrow… he comes every morning. Without fail.”

Eventually, Dean gets off that floor. He only makes it to the couch, but that’s okay. It’s something. _I’ll see you tomorrow, Cas. I’ll keep livin’ for you… even if I’m not doin’ that great… I guess I just gotta take it one sunrise at a time._

**Author's Note:**

> Art by the lovely @BluciferArt
> 
> Another piece of art to come


End file.
